Baby Don't Hurt Me
What is love? Why do people fall in love? How can you avoid this fate?
Love is just a linked utility function. If you care about someone else's utility for its own sake, then you love that person. Love isn't an on-off thing; it's a continuum. In fact, I guess hate is just negative love: getting utility out of someone else's suffering.
Falling in love means establishing a pattern of behavior that is self-sustaining. It actually doesn't require love at all. As an example, imagine a sex act that requires two people. If the sex act has substantial positive utility for both parties, then neither has to love the other: complete self-regard will compel the two to stay together and, you know, enjoy life.
What about a sex act that requires two people, but confers disutility on one and utility on the other? Assuming the utility is greater than the disutility, and there is some compensation for the party with the disutility, the relationship can be self-sustaining even in the absence of love. The key is that each party expects to benefit over time from the relationship, despite momentary discomfort or whatever.
Now it's easy to see that love, while not strictly necessary for a relationship, helps. If you get utility from your partner's utility, then an asymmetric sex act can still be pleasurable for both parties, or at least tolerable enough that the relationship is worth it. Basically, the range of efficient relationships is broadened by love.
One quick note: for many people, the biggest cost of a relationship is probably foregoing other relationships. This is a tricky calculation because a relationship is like a book: you don't know how good it is until you've invested a lot of time in it. It's even trickier, though. Picture a mountain range. Imagine that elevation = utility. Now, each mountain is a relationship. The tallest mountain is the best relationship, but imagine that you can't really see the other mountains. You can only guess which one might be the tallest. Furthermore, when you switch to a new mountain, you don't start at the top; you have to adjust and learn about the other person before you "climb the mountain" and maximize the utility of the relationship. This implies that most switches will be quite costly, since you will be very likely to start at a lower elevation than previously, with no guarantee that the peak is higher. Sometimes it's hard even finding another mountain, but of course, that just implies low opportunity costs for staying in your relationship.
So, given all this, how can you avoid love? I think a little prevention goes a long way. It's hard to fall in love with someone you barely know. So, if you meet someone who seems as though he/she would make a good partner, avoid that person from then on. Another trick is to keep some offensive remarks in the back of your mind in case things get dicey. This won't keep you from falling in love, but it will remove the possibility of actually being with the person, thus reducing the chance of entanglement. Beyond that I don't have much advice; sadly many people fall in love every year, despite their best efforts.
Love is just a linked utility function. If you care about someone else's utility for its own sake, then you love that person. Love isn't an on-off thing; it's a continuum. In fact, I guess hate is just negative love: getting utility out of someone else's suffering.
Falling in love means establishing a pattern of behavior that is self-sustaining. It actually doesn't require love at all. As an example, imagine a sex act that requires two people. If the sex act has substantial positive utility for both parties, then neither has to love the other: complete self-regard will compel the two to stay together and, you know, enjoy life.
What about a sex act that requires two people, but confers disutility on one and utility on the other? Assuming the utility is greater than the disutility, and there is some compensation for the party with the disutility, the relationship can be self-sustaining even in the absence of love. The key is that each party expects to benefit over time from the relationship, despite momentary discomfort or whatever.
Now it's easy to see that love, while not strictly necessary for a relationship, helps. If you get utility from your partner's utility, then an asymmetric sex act can still be pleasurable for both parties, or at least tolerable enough that the relationship is worth it. Basically, the range of efficient relationships is broadened by love.
One quick note: for many people, the biggest cost of a relationship is probably foregoing other relationships. This is a tricky calculation because a relationship is like a book: you don't know how good it is until you've invested a lot of time in it. It's even trickier, though. Picture a mountain range. Imagine that elevation = utility. Now, each mountain is a relationship. The tallest mountain is the best relationship, but imagine that you can't really see the other mountains. You can only guess which one might be the tallest. Furthermore, when you switch to a new mountain, you don't start at the top; you have to adjust and learn about the other person before you "climb the mountain" and maximize the utility of the relationship. This implies that most switches will be quite costly, since you will be very likely to start at a lower elevation than previously, with no guarantee that the peak is higher. Sometimes it's hard even finding another mountain, but of course, that just implies low opportunity costs for staying in your relationship.
So, given all this, how can you avoid love? I think a little prevention goes a long way. It's hard to fall in love with someone you barely know. So, if you meet someone who seems as though he/she would make a good partner, avoid that person from then on. Another trick is to keep some offensive remarks in the back of your mind in case things get dicey. This won't keep you from falling in love, but it will remove the possibility of actually being with the person, thus reducing the chance of entanglement. Beyond that I don't have much advice; sadly many people fall in love every year, despite their best efforts.
posted by James | 9:57 PM
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