Time to Settle Down
So I have a reputation as a bit of a man-about-town, a playboy, a law breaker and a heart taker. Whether this reputation is deserved I'll leave for another post (the reputation is extremely well deserved). Suffice it to say that my days of careless love are over. The culprit is not a sagging libido or a bout of conscience. It is not the fear of vengeful husbands or conventional STDs. It is Cimex lectularius, the bedbug.
The New York Times says there's a resurgence of bedbugs, even in clean and reputable hotels and apartments. Bedbugs can live for a year without feeding, so they're extremely hard to get rid of. The final straw, for me, is the annecdote at the end of the piece in which a lady went out to bars and went home with a man just to avoid her own bedbug-infested house.
At first, this would seem great. More women eager to sleep at my place! Such women, though, could easily transmit bedbugs to my apartment and then to my tender skin. This is exactly how bedbugs operate.
Provisionally, before I go "cold turkey" on anonymous sex, I'm going to adopt the time-tested methodology of prisons. All women entering my apartment will deposit their clothes in an incinerator and get into the shower. There they will shave off all body hair while I hose them with cold water and then throw de-lousing powder on them. After that we'll make passionate love with the lights on.
The lights aren't for erotic purposes, they're to keep any remaining bedbugs away from my skin. If my system doesn't work, I'll have to find a woman who will go steady. I'll rid her of bedbugs and then commit myself to her completely and forever. We'll stay that way until they figure out how to get rid of these damn bedbugs.
The New York Times says there's a resurgence of bedbugs, even in clean and reputable hotels and apartments. Bedbugs can live for a year without feeding, so they're extremely hard to get rid of. The final straw, for me, is the annecdote at the end of the piece in which a lady went out to bars and went home with a man just to avoid her own bedbug-infested house.
At first, this would seem great. More women eager to sleep at my place! Such women, though, could easily transmit bedbugs to my apartment and then to my tender skin. This is exactly how bedbugs operate.
Provisionally, before I go "cold turkey" on anonymous sex, I'm going to adopt the time-tested methodology of prisons. All women entering my apartment will deposit their clothes in an incinerator and get into the shower. There they will shave off all body hair while I hose them with cold water and then throw de-lousing powder on them. After that we'll make passionate love with the lights on.
The lights aren't for erotic purposes, they're to keep any remaining bedbugs away from my skin. If my system doesn't work, I'll have to find a woman who will go steady. I'll rid her of bedbugs and then commit myself to her completely and forever. We'll stay that way until they figure out how to get rid of these damn bedbugs.
posted by James | 1:07 PM
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